way too old to hate you...

1138 (the abysmal sequel)

2010-11-30T00:14:00.000-08:00

i'm becoming more and more aware of how temporary people are.
its strange to think the complexity that is a human being could be so easily discarded.
especially following a friendship like ours.

"Fool me — you can't get fooled again"

2010-11-17T01:40:00.000-08:00

the first time i disappointed you, it was april. the rain was crashing on my windshield, envied by the tears in my eyes. the first tears my face had felt in two years. that was the night we became us.
the first time i kissed you, you said "please don't hurt me." i swore that i wouldn't and i've kept my word even now.
and the first time you said "i love you," i boldly, and some days regrettably replied, "don't say that unless you're completely sure."
the first time you broke my heart, i swore i wouldn't look back. i wouldn't let memories, reveries, any thought of all the love i felt for you spread its dark seed within my mind. i promised myself i wouldn't risk you twice. and i've kept my word even now.

but now you're back. and now you're happy. and i don't know if i can keep the second promise.

next time, next time, next time, never.

2010-11-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

next time ill be less nervous. next time i'll reach across that distance to your hand.
next time.
or the time after that.
or after that; next time begins as a word of hope, of ambition.
but soon, the phrase evolves, it unravels, distorts. it becomes a source of solace for a coward to excuse his unwillingness to try.
in the end, these next times become never.

we'll be something. but never what i want right now. never what i want from you this very moment.

but this lingering thought sparks within in my mind. maybe...maybe...just maybe...oh fuck it.
maybe next time i'll be more aware of the difference between reality and expectation.
and maybe next time i'll be more accepting of never.

regarde la verdad; moi difficile

2010-06-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

playing six degrees. to find the crimson king.

tonight you belong to me on repeat.

crimson king

2010-06-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

i will do whatever it takes.
to have you.
before my eyes.

infiltrate your tribe.
join the ranks of those above.
you will be mine.
you will be mine.

if only for one night.
if only in friendship.

"we might find a place in this world someday." but i seriously fucking doubt it.

2010-04-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

troy bolton found himself a new toy.
someone who craves wild parties and attention as much as him.
someone who doesn't mind troy using him to figure out his sexuality.

the best part was hearing about it second hand from Dutch.
and Dutch actually having the balls to vent to me about how Troy's new toy cockblocked him from getting with Troy.

i really don't get him sometimes.

greatest conceivable existent.

2010-03-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

..i feel lonely and i don't want to fix it.
its like i'm waiting for something, but not enough to make it happen.
waiting. always waiting.
and nothing comes.
everything i do is to make the anticipation die a bit.
i've become so focused on killing that anticipation, that i've forgotten what i'm waiting on.

the one that got away won't leave me alone.

2009-12-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

you greet me with my name.
and you're a summer night. the sounds of stars and hope.
and the sweetest spell of doubt.
you win the warmth of the sun. ill just wilt away.

you make me feel alive. you make me feel asleep.
just the thought of you; your hand in mine.
i would love you for everything you are.

i'm asking questions, you're tellin lies.

2009-10-29T02:34:00.000-07:00

i wonder if people describe my relationship status as "...still not over Him."
or if friends think i'd go back if given the choice.

but sometimes he tells me that He would.
that the thought alone has kept him alive.
and you should know by now, there's nothing i love more.
than a mutual agreement, to be unrealistic and dramatic.

you inject a rant with sharp vulgarity. but it still sounds like its shakespeare to me.

2009-10-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

i'm not a blank page anymore.
but i dont like whats being written.

ill finish this later.
im drunk .

i fell out of heaven, to be with you in hell.

2009-10-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

maybe its the season.
but you're what i'm thinking about.
and you're the thing i want.

but what i think i need,
is to want something.
and either never have it, or have to feel like its hopeless.

its the perfect motivation for me.
its always worked.

and i wish we could.

those words taste like salt-water soap. or, being the other person.

2009-09-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

lately it seems people are using me.
to warn their boyfriend.
that things need to change.

yeah. that needs to change.

i like my noise to be pink.

2009-09-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

"Irrational love defeats life's programming.That's a perfect metaphor for real life. We all fall into our habits, our routines and our ruts, consciously or unconsciously to avoid living. To avoid having to do the messy part. To avoid having relationships with other people, of dealing with the person next to us. That's why we can all get on our cell phones and not have to deal with one another."
-Andrew Stanton.

this is the truest thing i've ever heard.

can you help me get this knife out of my back?

2009-08-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

since april, my life has just been this surreal rush of events.
a dream, a nightmare. things that don't matter.
i woke up today. and found my life the way it was before.
i'm still worthless.

i've been so dumb thinking there was some sort of happy ending hiding itself in the decisions of this summer.
of this year.

worse. the things i had fooled myself into believing were my own, have become treasures for my enemies to hold.

you won't understand this.
not because of some cryptic code i rely on, but because you can't understand.
until your hands, are filled with a small pool of gleaming hope, warm and beautiful.

you wont understand until you look into that pool of perfection in your cupped hands,
and notice. someone pissed in your hands.

...

2009-08-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

my life has become a blank page.
everything i do seems to be some way to pass the time until-
that's it. my life has become an ellipses.

there is nothing i look forward to anymore.
nothing i want. nothing that matters.
i'm just floating.

my story is over.

this is why i can not love you.

2009-08-06T03:49:00.000-07:00

...and with the excitement of a school girl, as she reads each word of the note from the boy, two seats over, one seat back;
every word you pass to me brings a slight chill, a small smile.
but no. i can't be her for any extended time.

She unfolds and reads this note so many times over the next few months, that it sbecome soft as a tissue.
like her, i look to flattering words, and pseudo-poetic phrasing in quiet pleasure.
but unlike her, this soft second of desire ebbs off.
i calculate the flaws; the penmanship, the confusion of 'your' and 'you're'.

no; the advancements made on me are prey for hints of excitement, and rushes of want that fade out as quickly as they reach my heart.

i've spent most of my life waiting for the moment i'll admit to myself that i have no real desire to be happy.
it seems the most logical reason behind my self-destructive decisions.
my complete neglect for what is best.

"i wanna make it right, that is. the. way."

2009-08-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

i'm about to take my ds stylus and gauge my eyes out.

heartbreak makes you do dumb things.

just so you know,
i like our friendship; you can bet. on. it.

sorry about all this mess

those twelve steps only lead to a ledge.

2009-07-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

it's rare that i find myself interested in anyone for an extended amount of time.
Tom Cruise doesn't understand; ADD exists.
so those few times someone retains my interest, it becomes something important to me; a task, a test.

this rare find. it always begins the same.
my mouth watering.

each compliment i pay sounds tongue-in-cheek, cause i'm much too cool to show my skin.
the tin man never knew how lucky he was.

i half-rehearse witty responses; give him distance, space, time.
some hint of what it might be like to love me.

then when he's mine. i slowly shed my metal sheath.
piece by piece,

but before i'm finished i realize, my infatuation has become stronger; autothysis.
what if i fall in love?

this common occurrence. it always ends the same.
my eyes watering.

watching your decay.

2009-07-05T12:47:00.000-07:00

i've realized the only thing better than looking at pieces of my life that ive packed up in boxes for boys,

is looking at someone else's pieces of nothing.

from first date movie ticket stub, to that bus token from the day you left him.

if you look carefully. you can almost see
how all the love died.

love is such a dangerous game.
i fold.

finally a game i can win

2009-07-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

don't hand me your heart, ill just break it again.

i have no idea what is going on with my life.

but i like it?

letter read

2009-05-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

i cant remember what insignificant thoughts once occupied my time.
but now each thought travels on an ellipse around you.
i want to memorize every fragment of who you are.
the way you part your lips, letting the smallest space come between them, whenever you begin to focus.
or the tilt of your head, shrug of your shoulder, and smirk of your face, when you say something clever; the climax of elementary school flirtation.
or when you smile. a real smile.
the way it reaches just below your eyes. and if you're really generous, you close them; and then a face so perfect, so pure, that it has become the envy of every Messiah's blood.
once i see that smile.
everything is suddenly okay.
the world around me is falling apart. and you make it all seem so unimportant. with a single gesture.
it only takes that subtle movement of your lips, that shift in shape, and i'm happy.

and that's just your smile...
Webster hasn't provided enough words for me to begin describing your laugh.

i love you. and i really believe we have something good.
i've never trusted anyone, and i've never been able to be so honest with anyone.
i told you before, and you probably forgot, but, some drunken night, i made a promise.
if you didn't get rid of me, i'd build you the world.

i want to be the boy that makes you happy.
and not just for the next month, or the next year, but for as long as you will let me.

you have my heart. 'Please don't hurt me'

Likewise.

"Scarecrow, scarecrow whats that you poppin?"

2009-05-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

waving hello is my enemy.

that single wave becomes the focus of my mind for the remaining hours of the day.
i find so much fault in a simple movement of my hand
and how others might have judged it.

i imagine fingers hanging dumb from my ulna; a like to the broken wing of a bird.
or the limp wrist of a retard.
and how ridiculous i must have looked doing it.

and anytime i've let any chemical in, it was only to settle my head down ever so slightly.
so that i don't dream of society's eyes watching, judging, damning

my hand waving hello.

you put the normal in Norrmalmstorg.

2009-05-13T02:22:00.000-07:00

no matter how much fault you find in me,
i'm still my worst enemy.

douche-bag, gah.

i'll wait til you're sleeping and slit your throat.

2009-04-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

i'm completely satisfied with my life right now.

the end.

.

2009-04-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

nothing is really. as much as you make it.
ever.

Sacrament of [a] Menace.

2008-11-30T08:59:00.000-08:00

Just one beer is enough.
It keeps my inhibitions distanced, the walls of my usual nervousness suddenly crumble.
I can say or do anything without the frustration of limiting myself.
But then this fear envelopes me.
"What if I lose this intoxication?"
I can't return to my usual anxious state of mind before the night has ended.
I can't let those walls be rebuilt.
I've been a prisoner to my own apprehension for too long.
Thus, that single can, that one beer, becomes two, then three;
Soon I'm not in control of myself, completely unaware of my surroundings.
And the next morning, I wake confused, finding bits and peices of a night i barely remember.
The word ethanol seeping from my tongue, regret growing sharp in my heart.
I attempt to rationalize it, "It all began with good intentions."
Good intentions, and a single beer.

"The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat."

2008-09-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

when i think of you.
it is rain on the highway. the smell of oak and paint. the light of the morning.

it is no threat to know the 'civil' or the 'normal' pattern is impossible for us.
i dont need to see you again. i dont need to speak to you.
i can't remember what happend. but im sure its better that way.

because when i think of you.
id rather hear the rain pounding against the windshield.
or smell that familiar scent. intoxicating and comforting.
or feel the warm light pouring through the window letting a moment that i might watch you sleep.

005

2008-09-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

there are times when i've tried hard.
to reap the peices of the past.
to ignite life into the shards of previous friendships, lost communication.

its dead. the friends i loved as a child.
they are gone.
nothing can be revived.

life is ultimately a reflection.
in the end. it is just me. looking back.
and missing out.

forever.

i've made like Iron Man, and accepted.

2008-08-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

i'll be so sorry soon.
a river of apologies will be rushing free from my mouth.

because i really liked you.
although i barely know you.

one night. one empty night. i blindly fumbled across a picture of you.
and i decided.
'i am going to fall in love with that boy.'
and from then on. you were the only one on my mind.

i made it so that i was certain that you would that perfect thing.
that one person who could make me the happiest.

although it never ventured far from want and infatuation.
it would have taken very little from you before it would have become more.

i was dedicated. but last night.
something changed. a simple s h i f t.
and everything is fine again. the longing is gone.
and although i slightly feel like i've somehow betrayed you.
everything will be fine.

and i like being you friend.

'it wasn't supposed to be this way'

2008-08-16T02:27:00.000-07:00

i wish i were a fragment of light.
so i could grace your face in the morning.

or a page in your notebook.
and feel your hand press against me with each stroke of your pencil.

if i were only a trill of sound.
i could bury myself in your ears. resonating and reverberating.
a simple. e c h o.

or a single drop of ink.
in a picture you might fix your eyes upon.
just once.

if i were a simple word. a profrane phrase.
then. i might feel your lips.
as you threw me about carelessly.

i'd live happy as a frame.
on a sheet of film. passing before your eyes without notice. i want to be a thought.
so i might permeate your mind. settle and sleep there. forever.

i am none of these things.
no, if anything.
i'm a tired list of metaphors. and similes.
created from a desperate attempt to express how much.
i. want. you.

i roll across your retina.
source of flattery, source of annoyance.
a strange flicker of youth.
each mark. each letter. each word.
will leave the place before your eyes.
will leave the place within your mind. and i will lye awake.
wishing stupid things.

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...

2008-07-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

i should be with them.
cause i'm friggin crazy about you.

and that is certainly no [killing] joke.

rip my body into pieces. the dogs will starve no more.

2008-07-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

i really hate myself right now.
but scrimming past blogs it doesnt seem too uncommon.

in light of today. ill say. there are
7 things i hate about.myself.
and each thing has a name and a piece of my heart.
in the raw janis joplin sense.

i hate everything i have become.
in trying to be someone, that someone. could love.

this swelled stone in my throat.the bloody muscle that beats.
i wish it'd stop before i make another mistake.
1138
i swear i'll never dream of those numbers again.
113
i swear i'll never dream of loving you again.
11
yet in a galaxy far, far away.
my heart is still aching to f e e l something.
some sort of force.
1
i think you could have made me happy

i wish i only looked. an. . .and. didn’t have to touch.

2008-07-21T18:06:00.000-07:00

i almost let myself feel something for you.
but then i remembered who you are.
and who you a1r1e3n'8t.

but you're just so cute.
when i'm oh so drunk.

1138

2008-07-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

each boy represents a new world.
worlds I can experience simply by touching lips with these beautiful ambassadors.
opportunity exists in every boy who gives me a second glance and a smile.
i list them in my mind; tuck myself in words that they might say to me.
i sleep beneath sheets of whispers.
things that have never left the mouth of those men i see.
but the thought is enough to keep me warm.
and for the time that i've known this New Hope.
its the faint trill of "1138. . .1138. . ." i have slept to.

because he could love me better than you did.
because he could love me. . .

i’ll just be here whispering under your all your rebel yells.

2008-06-24T02:11:00.000-07:00

I want to say things that will pierce your veins like those needles.

You have what you deserve.

there. that is the worst thought I could ever throw at you.

it is not my age that keeps me from your hand.
it is the infinite sequence of a 1 becoming a 2.
you are contained by the brackets surrounding those number.
your life depends on that certain shift.

and the day it happens.
I can not promise I will have forgiven you.
but I can promise that of the vampires and vultures with you now.
not one will lend their strength to lift you from the mud.
no. you will die.

a leper.
a dirty, diseased mass of flesh.

it may be the devil's words pouring from my mouth and seeping from my fingers.
but I am liberated with each line.

Out, out brief handle-

fuck you.

[anorexic] waif on a fugue.

2008-05-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

ive decided to stop eating.

the only thing i am craving is that whole city life notion.
i just want to wake up to life completely different from my own.
with a stranger. some perfect boy. some perfect bed.
something i've never known before.

what if i did it.just left everything here one morning.
took only the clothes on my back and found some life states away from here.
lived at a motel while working some lame job.
if i had nothing i'd have nothing to lose.
it's the perfect motivation.
the nihc who does these sort of things, fugues.
he weighs five pounds less than me.

and this is why i've decided to stop eating.

softest thing on my mind is my hair.

2008-05-14T01:33:00.000-07:00

im over the one-week infatuation as part of the prelationship stage.
its easier to not press redial if the other person doesnt answer.
its easier to not call at all.
its easier to consider that he doesnt like me as much as i could like him.

despite this wonderful transition, i'm watching golden girls at 1:00 in the morning.
and just dried my eyes after an episode of sex and the city
[a show i dont even watch]

yes. with a night like this i'm one Vogue magazine and a pint of ice-cream away from being the epitome of a gay ~~man~~ boy.

i didnt take my medicine today. usually this results in amazing sleep, nine pm style.
but i cant seem to catch a single z.

i guess if im gonna write a blog so horribly homo i might as well hit anchor by saying, despite this weird state of mind, my hair is amazing right now.

you're always right. . .

2008-05-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

i am sick.
and only wish i could purge this feeling of hurt.
put it out like a virus. like a poison. like a demon.

i had almost forgotten how sharp words can be.
yours still cut the deepest.
because you still know me better than anyone else.

its almost been a year since you last saw me.
but still know who i am.

i am no one. i am nothing.
and you can see that without ever seeing me again.

[your words.
make me wish i had
never woken up.
that the sound of my breathing had been replaced with
low tones and long red lines
on each machine strapped to my body that night. ]

cut my coating with a Visa. . .

2008-05-09T05:30:00.000-07:00

and rip my heart out beautiful boy.

well-worded apology. . .[beware boy]

2008-02-27T15:31:00.000-08:00

it seems you've dusted off that classic track, and tried to twist it up.
i am no one's David Cooley.
i can play victim in a much more dignified manner than you.
i am sorry that you are so blind that it is not obvious to you.
that 'you and i', was never a good idea.
you said it first, i just turned to agree with you, and for the first and last time.
i am only sorry that i ever thought we were able.
and that i did not end it sooner.
i dont need you to defend me.
you never did, even before i found the sense to end it once and for us.
for it is you who needs the armor now.
those nearest to you bear the blades.
look close on those surrounding you.

and that dream of friends drinking from a fountain of the blood.
streaming from a statue of yourself.
is no promise of great fortune.
tell brutus i said hello.

Idus Martiae.

boy.you sure look pretty when you're putting the damage on

2008-01-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

there i go believing boys i barely know.
and so i'm charming. ill make you smile.
ill be endearing for a time.
all my jokes will do the trick
until i start to give a shit.
then its a fallback. its a failure. its an affair you should forget.

oh, such sweet subtle words of romance.

2007-09-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

i heard the jealous words of a best friends boyfriend.
and only thought of you.
i miss those hurtful words. those jealous screams.
the frustration in your voice when you where concerned.
that caring anger.bittersweet; the silver lining.
someone cared for me.
someone who knew me more than ive ever allowed anyone else to.
you. i gave you everything i was holding on too.
the things that mattered.more than physical things.
things ill never let for anyone else.
for fear of losing him as well.
you'd regard this as dramatic. and maybe it is.
but that doesnt make it disapear.
deeming it as such doesnt take away the pain.
its still hard. its still heavy. its still sharp.
its still love. . .

[gettin' in to] trouble. [pop-o-matic]

2007-08-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

tonight. you made me wish i had some instant HIV at hand.
just so i could give it to you. you arrogant fuck.

&btw.
your stabs at sarcasm are pitiful.
and you're becoming as unbearable as that beau of yours.
a smirk on your face. a crayon in your hand. a knife.in.my.back.

my care for you is receding. faster than your hairline.
practice His form. that place of the cows.
keep your eyes on His movements. that Northern star you cling to.
so you might become Him. so you can be loved like him.
by all but me. my friend. i am finished.

trying not to. want to hurt him. [and failing]

2007-08-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

i put my hand out. to be a friend.
to resurrect what was left of the ashes.

everything ive been hiding from.
has swallowed me up.
im not ready to forgive.

i wasted an entire year with those hands.
four months dodging invitations.game-based pursuits.
and eight spent building a life.

[three words to forge the love; two to end it]

i was young before i knew you. a legend at his best.
my reputation has been twisted and scorned by your words.
ive become something so conscious of himself.
breathing too loudly. is considered a sin.
im afraid of those opinions. the thoughts of any one close to you.
you have killed him. the child i was.
the tease who flaunted and flirted without knowing.
i can never be that bold boy again.
heisdead. and i wish the same of you.
you sick, sad. fat. fuck.

[my only regret]
not putting antifreeze in the mustard that night.

sexy like cigarettes

2007-08-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

beneath the veil of romance.
i am often blinded.
but a view branded by a word such as 'friend'.
permits me to see anything you care to show me.

[here. is hoping.]

i will have you ckk-ing your way to the floor.
your betta in my pocket. your heart in my hand.

anyone will do tonight. [amerca] i.

2007-08-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

hurricane flossy, flossy cant make me laugh enough to forget.
how predictable this is.
ive seen these things happen many a time before.
and yet i swear.
id do it all again.

anyone decent can have me right now.
anyone who wants to take me.

but if you take me all the way.
please. dont kiss me after its over.
im much too fragile. and a little too hopeful.

thank you.[for liking sixteen]

2007-08-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

im too stoned to remember any fun phrase.
or to make any catchy references.
to the doings of tonight.
but when i start to remember.
sometime tomorrow. while im at school.
im sure ill smile.
a big smile like flavor flav.
eh. without the grill.

sniper no sniping

2007-07-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

another morning marked with a cry
from a night interrupted by a dream of you
a stab of your voice clinging to my ear

i lost your number.too wasted to remember. And maybe you discarded me.
for reaching out that night. Or screaming out that night
for needing. A friend.
or needing at all. As it is all too much for you.
a boy with a gun. And bullets to spare.
on someone too weary from your hunt.
to hide. Or escape. That long red [sniper] line.
and longer red string.